crab sandwich

I first noticed a bald spot in my beard sometime in the autumn of 2013. I was looking at myself after a shower at the Jorge House in Cabinda when I noticed a blinding white area on my chin.

Hey, Kelli … arrhm … has this always been there? 

I thought at first some old scars had decided to eat more of my beard. I have a double-scar on my chin from two separate bike mishaps. One from a fall off my Huffy when I was about 11, the other from when I was in my early 20s and got on my bike and forgot to pedal (HINT: alcohol may have been involved).

This strange crop circle was something else entirely: soft as a baby’s ass and about the size of a nickel. I sheepishly looked up “bald patches beard” in the google, expecting the typically terrifying results you get when looking up a random malady. You know, it was probably cancer or something.

Nope. The first result showed photos of alopecia barbae, which looked exactly like my beard.

Phew. Not cancer … Alopecia who?

Very first photo where you can see the bald. Look on my chin. Also: I look malnourished (I was).

I quickly discovered that alopecia barbae is just the little brother of alopecia areata–an autoimmune disorder** where white blood cells attack hair follicles, causing your hair to fall out.

Alrighty … well, at least it’s just a little spot on my beard.

The crop circles quickly migrated to other pastures of my chin, neck and jaw. I didn’t think it was all that noticeable until some guy in Marrakesh hawking his wares pointed at my face and said, “I have Berber cream for that too!!”

Alright alright … what’s the big deal? Looks like I have to start shaving every day now. So what?

Cut and a close shave. #marrakesh #medina

A post shared by Justin Mool (@jauntymcgoo) on Feb 12, 2014 at 7:30am PST

Nice try, buddy.

I saw the first spot on my head a few weeks later and that’s when I realized this whole alopecia thing wasn’t going to just magically go away.

Bald spot on the left? Guess I better part my hair the other way.

Part it the other way!

Fast forward two months and that spot filled back in but a couple more popped up on the right. Looks like I’ll have to grow out my hair.

For a long while, it was kind of like playing whack-a-mole on my dome: bald spot appears, then disappears, then reappears elsewhere. The only problem: I had no mallet.

OK. OK. So what if I’m a 30-something with mid-90s grunge hair? Clinging to my youth, right? At least I have my mustache to keep the dream alive.

Pinball Wizard

Oops. Alopecia proceeded to munch half my ‘tache.

For the next few years it was a continual give and take until this fall/winter, when my alopecia has morphed into mostly take. It is becoming harder and harder to cover things up with a comb-over pony tail and various fancy hats (I do love me a good hat).

Half ‘tash yet solid eyebrow game ???????? (RIP).

The other day I was talking to an old friend on FaceTime and found myself pointing the camera away from my halfbrow. I didn’t want to look at the stupid thing and didn’t want her to see the alien white blob above my eye.

Halfbrow.

Yup. Alopecia sucks.

But I’m tired of trying to hide it / hide from it.

People who know me don’t care. Kelli loves me for who I am and not for the number of follicles on my face. It’s only hair. And my hair–or lack thereof–does not define me.

At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself.

So in the coming weeks, if not longer, I will try to return to an outlet that helped me cope with feelings of isolation in Angola: Crab Sandwich.

I want to raise awareness about something that is way more common than you think. I want to give friends and family and colleagues who haven’t seen me for a while a heads up: I’m going to look quite different the next time we see each other.

I’m not sick; I’m glabrous.

So ask me about it next time we talk. Look it up for yourself. Pay attention when you’re walking around the city or the airport and see some dude with random funky bald patches on his head / face / beard.

It might be me.

** Probably. No one really knows WTF is up with alopecia.